Slip of the Tongue, or, Rather, the Heart
by Bolinlover123
Summary: In a moment of childish longing, Bolin accidentally calls Pema the "M" word. The doubts and regrets that that one, innocent, three-lettered word can dredge up numb him to the core. Clouded with guilt, Bolin doesn't expect his brother to understand why he blames himself for this harmless mistake when he comes to comfort him. What good is love if you can't remember ever having it?


"Hey, Bo! There you are; I've been looking all over for you!" Bolin could hear his brother's voice approaching from behind him, feel the vibrations of his footsteps getting closer; footsteps he would know anywhere. He felt his whole body stiffen. He yelled at himself mentally; he had thought he had picked a good hiding spot to get away from everyone!

"Come on, we're all gonna go the park and…"Mako's voice trailed off. In hindsight, this place should have been the first place he had looked for Bo. One gaze at his little brother's face and Mako knew something was wrong. He sat down to where his brother was sitting along the huge staircase leading up to Air Temple Island. "Bolin, what's wrong?" he asked gently

"Nothing!" Bolin pasted on a smile, added a nonchalant wave of his hand. Same old happy Bolin was _never_ sad. "What makes you think there's something wrong? I just wanna be left alone is all."

Mako gave him a small, worried smile. "Well, for one thing, you_ hate_ being alone. You're never this quiet, and you look like you've been crying."

Bolin winced. He had thought he had wiped away all his tears! Shame threatened to drown him. He hated how his brother was always treating him like helpless child. He knew Mako was older and was just concerned, and was always going to protect him, but Bolin had given him a taking to recently about how he was never going to be independent and learn from his mistakes if Mako didn't stop controlling him and let him leave him alone a bit. Mako didn't take it well, to say the least; a mother hen desperate to never leave her chicks. But Bolin was sixteen now! Not a helpless child! He had told Mako that he knew he didn't mean it, but he was making him feel useless living in his shadow.

Suddenly, anger grew in him and he didn't know why. Bolin found himself yelling. "Do you have to be so blunt? Do you have to notice and fix _everything_? Spirits, Mako! Just give me some space; I'm not a baby! Let me work it out by myself for once!" The brothers couldn't help but notice a crack edge along one step they were sitting on; Bolin's bending taking form in his emotion.

Mako placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, trying to loosen the grip on the younger boy's arms that he had wrapped around his legs in a huddle; chin buried in his knee caps, which was the position Mako knew Bolin drew into whenever he was sad about something. He knew Bolin didn't like showing when he was upset. He was always happy happy _happy…_ Which only made the elder brother worry more with what the silence really held. When Bolin was upset, he didn't verbally express it, he just got very quiet and forlorn looking, very silent for periods of time. That's why it was so hard for Bolin to talk about any negative feelings; if Mako didn't make him talk it through with him, Bolin would likely keep everything bottled up for a long time- the same could be said for Mako, though. Both brothers were not very good at talking about negative emotions. But Mako had learned to watch his brother's body language and facial expressions and habits to know when he was truly upset.

Like now.

Mako didn't know if he just never wanted to see the bittersweet day where Bolin would tell him he didn't need him anymore, or if he should be proud in the young man his little brother was becoming. Sometimes, he thought, that Bolin was a better person than he could ever hope to be.

"Bo…" Mako's face softens. "Okay, you're right. I'll leave you alone, just as soon as you tell me what's wrong. You'll feel better after. Then you can deal with it your own way, even though you can always come to me."

"Forget it. Let's just go to the park. You'll think it's stupid. Or you'll be mad at me." He mumbled, looking away. Then instantly feigned enthusiasm, "You're right! It _is_ a nice day, let's go to the park!" He tries to stand, but Mako pushes him back down.

But Mako could tell. He could always tell when the happiness was fake. That was how Bolin coped. He hated getting angry or sad or violent, and could not express himself well when upset. Mako knew Bolin yearned to be more independent without him smothering him. And lately he knew he was to blame; being too controlling, a little too much sheltering. But Mako wanted Bolin to keep his innocence as long as he could; but that was nearly impossible when they both watched their parents get burned alive right in front of them by a mugger on Bolin's sixth birthday. There was no way a six-year-old- or any child, for that matter- could ever be the same after that. Mako knew if he let Bolin live and learn a little bit more, and listen to his ideas a little more without blowing him off, then maybe Bolin never would've been so desperate to prove himself as to get into Shady Shin's car at the sight of cash and get into that much danger. If Mako had only listened, Bolin wouldn't have felt that way. He blamed himself nearly the full blame of Bolin getting kidnapped, and knew it was partially his actions that caused it. And every nightmare could have been a peaceful night if only Mako had been a good brother! But still. A part of him wonders how Bolin could have been so stupid to trust that man when time and _time again_ Mako had told him to stay away! How could he have gotten into such danger?

Mako wondered if he really was as good of a big brother as he had always tried to be. Maybe, it was just all his fault.

But the past was the past. All Mako could do was help him in any way. And here, right now. Bolin was crying here all by himself. His brother was hurting and he wasn't going to just walk away.

Bolin needed to grow and mature, but he needed to know his brother would be always there for him, more importantly.

Slowly, the earthbender loosened his position, and stretched out his legs on the stairs.

The firebender replied, sincerely, "Nah, I won't think it's stupid or be mad, buddy. It's obviously upsetting you if you're here all by yourself, trying to avoid us. You know you can tell me anything." Bolin saw Mako give him _The Face_. The Face that meant " just- tell- me- come- on- it's okay- Face." The Face the two brothers had to master at a young age. The Face, when used in action, with even just a glance, could let the two come up with secret plans without even having to speak, to let them know they were on the same page.

Bolin gave a heavy sigh. "Fine. You got me… I helped Pema clean the dishes earlier."

Mako blinked, confused. He wasn't sure how this was significant, but gave his brother a preamble to get to the point. He wasn't going make his brother feel like he couldn't talk to him, and obviously there was more to this explanation.

"That was nice of you," Mako replied cautiously, "And…? Then what happened? You break the dishes or something?" He tried to joke. Bolin didn't smile.

He noticed Bolin swallow, as if the words pained him."I….I, um…" his words trailed off. He picked up a pebble and started to squeeze it in his fist, looking at it absentmindedly, yet with awe. It began to change shapes as he worked it with his bending.

A few silent seconds passed.

Bolin felt Mako put a hand on his knee, bringing him back to focus and the conversation. Bolin tended to trail off and get distracted when he was uncomfortable with a topic. Mako began to grow more worried about what this was all about. His brother was usually so confident and sure of himself. Seeing him this nervous was a bit painful.

"Right. Sorry. Well, I kind of accidently…Well, I-I kind of…,"He sucked in a breath, "… called her _"Mom"_ by accident." Bolin was scared to see his brother's reaction, thinking Mako might hate him. What he saw was Mako's eyes widen. A firm set of his jaw, eyebrows turned down.

"…You…_You did?"_ he asked softly. Now it all made sense. Mako's face looked pained. "That's-"

"I didn't mean to!" Bolin exclaimed frantically. "It just slipped out! I don't know what's wrong with me! I can't even remember their faces, Mako! I can't! " Bolin through his arms up in frustration, throwing the pebble he had bent, fiercely away in the air.

"Bo-"

"-Whenever I try, I can only remember that day they were killed- nothing before! All I hear is screaming and see their burnt, dying bodies and fire everywhere!" Bolin grabbed at his ears and shook his head frantically, as if trying to shake away what his was seeing. "I can remember_ him_ so clearly; that horrible man looking at us and he's laughing at us and… and…why can I only see _him_!? I don't want _him_, I want MOM AND DAD!" Bolin yelled, "What kind of son can't remember his own _parents?!_ " Bolin was sobbing now, fingers gripping his knee caps, tears down his cheeks, and he noticed Mako's eyes getting damp, too.

Mako cupped his brother's face; the face he had always counted on to smile to get him through the day, the one always so endlessly optimistic-was now so lost and filled with pain. "Bolin, look at me. Shhhh...It okay. I know you think it's your fault. I know you blame yourself but,_ listen_ to me. It is _not your fault!_ So _please,_ stop doing this to yourself! Just because they went out to get you a birthday cake, _doesn't_ mean it was your fault they were killed! You did not get them killed!" Now Mako's face was wet, too. He griped his baby brother's shoulders tightly, feeling helpless. How could his little brother blame himself for something so horrible?!

Bolin didn't believe him. "You don't_ get_ it! I didn't listen to them! If I hadn't begged them for the cake, they wouldn't have gone out! It's my fault I can't remember now and it's my fault we were living on the streets! If it happened to you, you'd feel the same way."

"_Please_, stop… Bolin, no…" Mako begged. He couldn't bear to see him like this. His voice began to break. "H-how could you think that? Little brother, listen to me. That wasn't your fault at all."

"It makes me feel like I didn't love them enough to remember. I couldn't save them! And t-today, I was cleaning the dishes for Pema, and she came in and...and you know what she said? She said, _"Oh, Bolin, honey! Thank you so much! You are such a big help!" _and she hugged me! Hugged me! And in that moment I felt so loved and I don't know why. Like she was the motherly love that we never got and I'm not trying to replace her but- but…I just…It slipped out! I'm sorry! You know what I said? I said_, "I love you, Mom!"_

Mako's breath hitched in his chest. He could feel his eyes begin to sting and get damp, but he couldn't cry or Bolin would get even more upset. "Bo… You have to understand. What happened wasn't you're fault. Today or when Mom and Dad died- _nothing_ was your fault. Come here. It's okay to miss them." Mako tried to hug his brother, but Bolin pushed him away. Mako couldn't handle seeing his little brother in this much pain. This had been festering for too long- ten years- and he felt nothing he could ever say would help Bolin understand. He tried to cup his brother's face, but the earthbender was too emotional to listen.

"No! Don't!" Bolin yelled, voice horse, breath gasping. "I called her _" Mom",_ Mako! What's wrong with me? Don't tell me that that's okay! After all these years I should be over it! Ten years! It was like for that one second I was a son and I had a mother, and one second I was there and the next I was in our old house and we were little kids sitting at the table and Mom and Dad were laughing… I _saw_ it. For the first time in years I _saw_ them again and I thought I had forgotten. Then Pema said something and I was back in the real world and I freaked out! I just ran. I just ran all the way out here and started crying and then you came and I'm sorry! I'm so, so SORRY!" He was yelling now, voice loud and bitter, yet choked and crying. He didn't even know how his brother had gotten his arms around him, or how his face had gotten buried in Mako's chest. He just knew that it was so very wet and tear-stained. He felt himself being rocked back and forth- so comfortingly, so familiar. He felt Mako's body trembling.

"I'm _so scared to forget again_." Bolin whispered. "You have the scarf to remember them and I- I just _can't_…It's always them burning and screaming or it's your face. It's always your face and you holding my hand and that one moment felt so good…" He sniffled, closing his eyes. " I'm so pathetic…and I think I scared the Spirits out of Pema."

"You scared the Spirits out me, baby brother." Mako's voice cracked. "I love you so much, Bolin. It's okay to think of them; I do every single day. For the longest time you know I was scared to use my bending. I felt like a monster and that fire was just a killer. But it was you. It was you that when winter came, finally made me realize I wasn't a monster and that I had to give us heat to survive. You made me find myself again in you, and now I'm going to help you find yourself."

Bolin lifted his face, meeting his brother's watery eyes. He used his thumbs to wipe them away, and Mako gently used his father's scarf to clean Bolin's face.

"I don't know if there's anything left for me to be. I'm just the useless little brother who can barely earthbend to save his life and doesn't know anything but stupid jokes."

Mako lifted the earth bender's chin with his hand. "You don't know how wrong you are, you little turtle- duck. You," Mako said, looking straight into green eyes,"are the reason I live. You are my world. The reason I get up in the morning-the reason why it's worth it when I just don't see the point anymore. You are the reason I try to be a better person. Without you...I...I honestly can't think up a single reason to continue living." Bolin's eyes went wide, he shook his head as if to make his brother take back that last sentence. Mako continued on, "You are the reason I hope that this ugly world can have some good people in it. You are the reason I smile, and, if I didn't have you, I don't think I would ever know how to love another person again after that day. You are the reason I love and I love you with all of my heart. So don't you ever think you are worthless or unlovable or whatever it is you think up there with those rocks you call brains, because I never, ever once, blamed you for how our lives were. If anything, I blamed myself that I couldn't give us more. And when I yell at you, it's because I'm scared I lost you and mad you didn't listen- not because I hate you. You are not my burden, Bolin. I know you think you're a burden but you're not, understand me? You are my blessing. You are your own person, not my shadow. You are my brother and I could never ask the Spirits for any greater gift than you."

"Mako….the same is completely true for you, too. I love you."

Mako kissed his brother's forehead gently.

"You are such a turtle- duck." Mako said with a smile.

"But I'm _your _turtle- duck." Bolin punched Mako's shoulder lightly.

"Very true. Do I still have to feed you dumplings? Turtle- duck food is much more affordable…"

"Dumplings, pretty please!" Bolin smiled. He tried to stop sniffling and wipe the tears away.

"Okay, you win. Why do you always win?"

"'Cause, I'm awesome! …Mako? Can you sing mom's song?"

"I thought you said I sound like a dying monkey-owl ? I specifically remember you begging me to sing and then going, _"Oh, no, Mako, stop! Stop singing, you sound like a dying monkey-owl!_",and then a kid waking up because he wanted to find it and cook it."

Bolin laughed. "Yeah, I remember, and you do. But I still love when you sing."

Mako rolled his eyes. "You are so odd. Are you sure? What if I scare the flying-lemurs away?"

"Yes, please. When you sing I think I can hear mom's voice singing. I don't see anything…just kind of hear it. It's the closest I can ever come to remembering… and Dad is just…just a blur of red. But sometimes, at certain times, when I look at you, I think I see him, too."

Mako tried to not think about all the horrible images coming into his mind. The thing was, even though they both saw the murder, while Bolin hated himself because his lack of memories, Mako could remember too well.

"Ignorance is bliss, Bo. You're lucky. You can't feel the pain that often, then. I remember. I remember too often and it creeps up with I least expect it. Trust me when I say you're better off."

"I do trust you. But if only there was _something_, you know? I rather feel the pain every day than nothing. I feel like I'm not complete, like a part of me is missing. And, Mako, you need to know something. I know I should have told you this a long time ago, but when you fist got your bending after they died, I was… _scared._ Scared you would lose control and hurt yourself and you would burn away and leave me alone forever. I_ wasn't_ scared _of_ you because you were a firebender, I was scared _for_ you."

It was getting hard for Mako to swallow. He could taste ash and smoke. His eyes began to sting. He closed his eyes tight. "I know. So was I." He felt Bolin's head rest on his shoulder like so many times before, and _that _familiar comfort brought him back to the present. He opened his eyes slowly, fingers stroking Bolin's tazzeled hair.

"Mako, you know why we are going to be alright? Because we are brothers." Bolin said confidently;the last sign of tears, gone, "We've gotten through the hell and made it this far, that's got to count for something, right?"

"_There's_ the optimistic little brother I know." Mako tried to sound cheery. It was all he could do to keep from him being the one to cry and sob into Bolin's chest. He loved this kid so much. He thanked the Spirit's everyday for him and remembered vaguely of a few months ago when he overheard Bolin tell Korra that he never thought he would make it to a teenager. Mako never thought either of them would make it to thirteen, but he could never tell Bolin that.

Mako sighed and played with his younger brother's curl that was on his forehead because he knew Bo hated it. Bolin tried to swat his hand away, and Mako smiled, twisting it again, causing the earthbener to pout. Mako cleared his throat dramatically,"One horrible sounding lullaby in the middle of the day coming right up. I might kill the flowers, though."

"Ehh, they're ugly anyway. Now sing!"

"Okay, here goes nothing." He cleared his throat- all the smoke and ash, gone. When he blinked, the light was the sun reflected off Yue Bay, and not the fatal fire of a killer burning away all they loved. "Mom sung this to us so often and Dad would sway left and right with the motion. And you- you would laugh and tell Dad he was silly for pretending to be a leaf and then he…he would march and so would you. Mom would pretend to be annoyed, saying not to get us so hyper when it was bed time. Then he would jump on us and tickle us…finally we would settle down enough and Mom would sing and we would be out like a light." Another tear fell from Mako's eye. "I miss them so much, Bolin. I hope they're proud of us…"

"Hmmm…" Bolin muttered, looking out at the bay, his head still on Mako's shoulder, the soft scarf against his cheek. "I know they're proud of you."

"And you." Mako stated. "Of us. The Bending Brothers. Friends of the Great Avatar Korra. Who would have thought from two little street rats? It's like our destiny."

"It _is _our destiny, Mako. Some people are meant to be friends with the Avatar and help make the world a better place."

"You are so right, bro."

Then Mako opened his mouth and began to sing his heart out, no matter how bad his voice might be. Every moment was fleeting and could be gone in an instant, desperate to be remembered. So Mako knew to make every moment count. The people you meet in life, who shape who are and will become, are with you in your path to your own destiny.

Mako looked up to the blue sky, as the wind played with his hair.

"This one's for you, Mom and Dad. We will never forget you."

_"Leaves from the vine,_

_Falling so slow…_

_Like f-fragile,- fragile, tiny shells_

_Drifting on the foam..._

_L-L-Little...Little soilder boy_

_comes marching home..._

_Brave soilder boy...comes marching hoooommmmeeee..."_


End file.
